FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
