At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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