god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
