I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I think a kid would responsible me up
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
