Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She needs sedatives and a leash
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
