the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
