coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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