Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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