Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
