I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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