can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
