We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
