I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Oh god it's open bar.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
