i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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