tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
