enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
