We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
