So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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