So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
