I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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