some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
