I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
