I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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