How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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