Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
