Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
