Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
