Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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