I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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