when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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