before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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