It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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