I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
