My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
