Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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