Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize