everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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