Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
And then he peed in my hair
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