Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
