My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
