She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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