if i can run in heels then i can drive
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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