My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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