Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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