I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You ruined the universe
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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