I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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