If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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