how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
