Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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