remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sorry about my life...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
