You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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