we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
