I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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