Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
