If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
