I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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