You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
