New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
