Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
